New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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