i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
