The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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