my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
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I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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