I heard we made out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
