Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
