1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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