Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
