Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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