...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
