im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
