No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
