toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
