I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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