boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
