If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
