Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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