She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
