my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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