then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize