I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
