I just pynch a tree in the face
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
