This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
