i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
