having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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