This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
