i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
