I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
