Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
