if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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