I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
