Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
