Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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