I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
