Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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