new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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