his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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