I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
