Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
