put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
