its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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