first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
