I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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