party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
