At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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