Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
