Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
