No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
