My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Everything about him screamed your future.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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