Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Vodka?
Forever.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
