watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We just shotgunned beers for America
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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