we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
