I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This is my gift to your gina
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
